Long Time, No See

What can I say, life caught up with me.  It was a long, long winter.  My roomie and I barely set foot outside the entire month of January.  February came and went, along with my twenties.  My friends threw me the most fantastic 30th birthday party complete with an 80's theme.  I could not have asked for a better way to explode into my thirties.    

Then it was March.  Still cold, but busy, busy, busy.  I was training for the Country Music Half-Marathon.  March was the time for two birthdays.  The first was for Bruce and because of it, Ash and I made our inaugural trip to Dalton, GA.  I should say that I was pleasantly surprised by Dalton.  The Suns, Jamie, and Bruce all showed us a real good time.  From frozen margaritas at Los Reyas to karaoke at The Depot and finally beer pong in the garage, it was a weekend to remember.  Next up in March was planning Ash's 30th birthday.  There is nothing like an old-time elementary school field day party to make you feel younger instead of older.  The out-of-towners were victorious again in spanking the Nashvillians' boot-ays.

April arrived, along with a road trip to my dad's house in Virginia to watch West Virginia play in the final four.  It was also crunch time for the half-marathon training.  A quick trip to Huntsville to celebrate Megan and Mollie's birthdays and then the big day arrived.  April 24th dawned gray and early and thousands of runners and walkers lined up on West End to run the Country Music Full and Half-Marathons.  It was amazing.  It was also the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I swear the only thing that made me keep going, even after my knee began to throb painfully at MILE 2, was the knowledge that if my mom could fight breast cancer (which she is currently doing admirably) then I could run a measley 13.1 miles.  I did it and it was one of the best feelings of my life.  Even walking home in the pouring rain, with a constant leg pain, that feeling wasn't dampened.  I have to give a shout out here to Jamie Jones, who not only ran the full 26.2 miles, but did it 18 minutes under his predicted time.  I knew he would.  I am so proud of him and his running buddy, Chris, for completing the full 26.2 miles, even with the tornado sirens blaring and the rain starting to come down.  Now, that is inspiring. 

May has already come and gone.  As most of the country knows by now, Nashville was covered in record rains at the beginning of May.  The Cumberland River rose up past the flood point, roads were covered and demolished by torrential currents, homes were lost, and people died.  It's so sad and so amazing at the same time.  How does a city come back from something like this? Yes, the waters receded, but left behind destruction, debris, and broken hearts.  It will take time to clean up and move forward, but that's what we are doing.  Moving forward.  I watch the news and I see the people this flood has impacted and I don't see victims.  I see survivors.  I don't see looters.  I see strangers reaching out to lend a helping hand.  I don't see despair.  I see hope.  Hope that Nashville and it's people will come back stronger and better than before.

Only a few weeks have passed since the storm hit that tried to bring a city to it's knees.  That storm failed and I already see the great Nashville spirit swelling with pride and buouncy again.  The 69th Annual Iroquois Steeplechase was held a few weekends ago and the people came out to party, as only Nashvillians can do.  We were lucky enough to have Chandra's family come in to town and showed us how it's done.  From the Hey Mommies and the Hey Daddies to the "Party in the U.S.A." and the "Cupid Shuffle", it was truly a Steeplechase to remember.

I've officially been here, in Nashville, for a year now.  I can't believe how fast time has flown by.  I love this city and I have had the best year of my life.  Now, it's my second summer here and we're going to live it up.  Hopefully I'll be able to write some entertaining blogs and actually update it on a regular basis.  I hope I haven't lost all of my fans.  I promise to get some funny shit up here soon.  Thanks for sticking around.

I went home alone on New Year's Eve and it was AWESOME!!!

 Happy New Year's everyone!! There was only one way to ring in 2010 in our group and that was on a Party Bus.  It was a crazy night.  I made my special punch which has now been named Knock Me On My Ass, Sweet Jenny, which is very appropriate considering that's usually what happens to people when they drink more than one of them.  There was all kinds of dancing on this party bus. There was pole dancing, booty dancing, and lap dancing.  Boy was there some lap dancing going on.  Girls, when you're going to give your boyfriend a lap dance, you might want to make sure that you're not giving everyone on the bus a shot of your hoohah.  Anyway, people were shaking it all up and down the aisle of that bus.  Dancing wasn't the only thing that happened.  What follows is a list of the Top 5 most awesome things that happened on New Year's Eve.

#5)  At the beginning of the night the bus driver gave us two rules to follow.  The first rule was Do Not Shit In The On-Bus Toilet.  Fair enough.  Nobody wants to smell that all night.  It wasn't like the bus was that big.  The second rule is the one I want to focus on.  If you puke on the bus you have to pay a $50.00 fine.  So, it was pretty well understood by all of us that we would not be puking on the bus.  Unfortunately, the DJ didn't get that memo.  I mean what kind of DJ for a party bus doesn't know how to hold his liquor?  Also, who gets so wasted that they pass out before midnight?  Yes, folks, that's what happened on our party bus.  Our DJ got so drunk that he puked on himself and passed out on top of his sound board.  Luckily we got a new DJ and the old one got hauled off like an old Christmas tree.  How was this awesome?  Well, if that DJ hadn't passed out and had to be replaced, we wouldn't have gotten the new one.  And the new one played my most favorite song at the end of the night.

#4)  First of all there is only one thing more awesome than having stripper poles on the bus that is driving you around all night.  And that is having friends that for a brief moment in time are channeling actual strippers and and who show that pole who is boss.  I'd like to give a shout out to both Ashley and Katiya and their amazing moves on the pole.  Ashley, or should I say Smashley, even took a running start in order to do the upside down twirl down the stripper pole.  The next day Ashley woke up with giant purple bruises on the insides of her feet.  She really paid for the show she gave.

#3)  There is a bathroom on the bus.  It is disgusting and the last thing I would ever want to use.  But, when you've had four drinks like I had and the bus is en-route to the next location, sometimes you just gotta go.  So, I went into the bathroom where I spent five minutes trying to lock the door, but seeing as how I was completely hammered at this point, gave up and crossed my fingers that no one would walk in on me.  Bad move, Jennifer.  I guess I should have done a little more than cross my fingers because right when I was standing up to leave, Dan Graves flings the door open and smacks it right into my forehead.  Ouch!!  It hurt like a mother f*%@er.  (P.S. I can't bring myself to say the f-word on here anymore because I know my Aunt is reading it.  Hey Aunt Patty.)  Anyway, luckily Mr. Graves didn't see anything that he wasn't supposed to.  I, on the other hand, wasn't as lucky.  I had a bruise/knot on my the side of my forehead that is not covered by my bangs.  I'm not going to lie, 2 weeks later it's still a little tender to the touch.  How was this one of the top 5 awesome things that happened of the night?  Well a) I got tons of sympathy hugs and boo boo kisses all night and b) hello, I had a "scar" to show from my action on the bus.  Holla!!!

(See, I'm not even mad at him!!)

#2)  Keg Stands!!!  Hello, my name is Jennifer and I admit it, I love keg stands.  Now here is what you have to understand about me.  In college I was good.  I didn't drink that much, I was the permanent designated driver, and I never, ever did keg stands.  That is until about 3 years ago at the Garrison's house warming party.  I did my first keg stand and since then have never looked back.  I love them.  I think every party should have them.  It doesn't matter that I and my friends are all heading into our 30's.  Keg stands are the bomb and they happened on the party bus.

#1)  The last and best thing that happened on New Year's Eve involved me and the bus.  That is, I got to ride the bus home, with noone else on it but me, the bus driver, and the DJ.  I took full advantage.  I had the DJ play all of my favorite dance songs and I gave all three of those stripper poles the ride of their inanimate lives.  Luckily for all of my readers, I recorded it on video.  I sent 2009 out with a bang and leave you with it now.

So I should have posted this at the time it happened but my roommate gave me writer's block by always telling me "It's good, but it's not as funny as your first one", so anyway, I'm just posting it now and hopefully Ashley will laugh at it.

I've been getting called out a lot about not updating this blog.  I counted at least 3 times this weekend where someone asked me why I haven't been updating my blog.  What you people don't understand is that I'm a perfectionist.  I know, it wouldn't seem like it, but I am.  If I'm not sure that this blog is going to be the funniest shit that you've ever read, then I'll put off writing it for forever.  So, when my roommate, Ashley, didn't give me the reaction that I wanted after the last couple of blog entries, it basically made it impossible to write....anything.  So everyone who has been patiently waiting for me to post a new entry (all one of you), you can blame Ashley for the delay and then you can rest easy because here it is, funny or not.

Andrew turned 30 and we threw him a party.  An epic party.  We invited 39 of Andrew's closest friends to celebrate and also to compete for his love and affection.  Well, not all of the 39 people competed, but 9 of them did and it was hilarious.  Imagine nine guys, nice and intoxicated, duking it out through several competitive events, that included a modeling contest and a dance off.  Yes, I said that nine guys were doing this.  All of them performed admirably, but in the end only one could guy could be crowned Andrew's BFF.  After witnessing this amazing demonstration of manliness, I wrote down a few tips to help the guys for when they compete in the 2nd Annual Andrew Skwara BFF Decathlon. 

1. Do be sure to pull out old school dance moves like The Worm when you're competing in the Dance Off.  There is nothing more hilarious than a grown man worming his way down a party bus floor that is covered in beer and dirt.  It's like watching a train wreck, you just can't look away.

 

2.  Do remember that if you're going to go all out  with costumes and writing all over your body about how much you love Andrew Skwara that you will be sweating and it will wipe off.  No one will be able to see how you painstakingly etched a love poem on your bare naked chest.  But, if that does happen, move to plan B and make sure you give that stripper pole the ride of its life.  I promise this will score you points just as well as your sweet words of love.

3.  If you have a hot body and a really understanding wife, don't be afraid to take off your shirt and peddle your goods to all the ladies on the bus in order to get a high score.  The ladies on this bus really appreciate a good striptease and some of us aren't afraid to touch.


4.  Do make sure you've been lifting weights in the weeks leading up to the contest so that you can smoke all of the guys in the fence hang competition. 









5.  Don't underestimate the fanatic, obsessive and slightly gay love that Jamie Jones has for Andrew.  He may look all harmless with his mountain man beard and gelled hair, but he LOVES Andrew Skwara and he will do anything to prove that love.  Including stripping off his shirt during a modeling contest, taking on guys twice his size in the arm wrestling contest, belting it out in front of a room full of drunk hecklers at karaoke.  This man will do anything, and I mean anything, to keep his title as Andrew's Ultimate BFF.

There were other notable events that occurred besides the decathlon the night of Andrew's party.  Smashley and Trashley both made an appearance that night.  Anyone who has been out with my gorgeous roommate on any given night has probably met Smashley or Trashley or both.  These two sides of Ashley are charming and classy, that is if charming and classy mean flipping yourself over a couch and showing your panties or swaying dreamily to the music while your dress is falling off.  I've noticed while looking at pictures, that you can in fact actually see her progression from Ashley to Smashley to Trashley.   I've included a montage for everyone's enjoyment.  Now y'all will know what to look for next time she's out and when you do, be a good friend and tell her to pull up her dress.

Georgia Came To Town and Kicked Our Ass And I'm Not Talking About Football.

I've been off this thing for a while.  Here's the problem.  I got writer's block.  I wanted to write the most awesome post about Andrew's Party Bus Birthday and I couldn't write anything that sounded remotely interesting or funny.  I promise to post something about that night, because honestly, it was epic, but in the meantime I'm going to move forward.  My next post is going to be about the UGA/Vandy Tailgate weekend.  It was insane.  I have a video and pictures to accompany what I hope will be a hilarious telling of the crazy things that went on.  As a little teaser, I'll leave you with this picture.  Congrats to the Georgia team for pulling off this win.  You folks know I'm not talking about the game.

Why Do Babies Always Make Me Laugh?

So, this has been making the rounds on various blogs that I read and on Facebook. I first saw this on the blog "Is it 5 O'Clock Yet?" Y'all should check that blog out because Shauna is hilarious. Anyway, this video is good for a laugh. I hope it makes everyone smile today.



P.S. I hope y'all don't die from shock that this post didn't have anything dirty or vulgar in it. I'll be back to myself tomorrow.

I Hope There Aren't Naked Pictures Of Me On The Internet

Yesterday, I was talking to my mama (yes, I say mama) on the phone.  I was telling her about what a great, but long weekend I had.  My mother of course asked what I did and being that we're so close, I told her all about Big Poppa Skwara's 30th Birthday Bash (more details to come on that).  I rambled on for a few minutes but didn't give her too much information because she already prays for my soul like 50 times a day and if she knew everything that I got up to at Andrew's birthday, she wouldn't have time to do anything else.  Anywho...so I told my mom that I had a good time and it was wild but that I did not drink and drive, yada yada. 

My mama's response after hearing the short version.  (Imagine this in a Southern accent) "Well, Jennifer, I just hope no one got you on one of those cell phone camera things.  I'd hate to think what type of pictures of you will end up on the internet.  You know you can never be too careful.  And also....what do you think Jesus would do if he were in your shoes?"  That's my mama for  you.  Always bringing it back to Jesus.  God love her. (He really does.)

                    

This will probably end up on the internet. I mean, aside from this blog, obviously.

I Like Big Cakes and I Can Not Lie!!!

I love the beginning of a night out. You know what I'm talking about. It's that time of utter anticipation that this night out is going to be the best night out ever. You are going to be charming and funny and everyone is going to love being around you. You promise yourself that you will not be sloppy, obnoxious, or get into fights with guys twice your size while at a bar. Oh what dreams we have when we are still sober and thinking clearly. Take Adam and Sarah's Luau Birthday party on Saturday night.

The night started off fantastically. All of Adam's and Sarah's closest friends gathered at Pat and Andrew's house. Their house now looked like a tropical paradise, thanks to the cheesy Party City decorations Ash and I put up all over the place. So, the peeps gather and I start making "tropical" drinks. Now, I don't think any of y'all know about my mad bartending skills. I make killer beverages. They are exactly the kind that are so delicious because you can't taste the alcohol, but there is actually a shit ton of alcohol in it. So you drink and drink and drink my beverages and all of a sudden you're wasted. That's pretty much what happened to me on this night. I mean, I know better and I totally fell victim to my own drinks. Because of this I did things I would never do sober.  Luckily, I'm not the only one who did some crazy things that night.

I'm pretty affectionate when I'm sober, but when I drink it's like I have no concept of personal space.  I invade other people's personal space by hugging, kissing, dirty dancing on, or humping them. I would like to apologize to everyone I came into contact with for my inappropriate touching and fondling. Adam, I'm sorry for grabbing your ass, over and over again and for making you hold my hand. Actually, I'm sorry to all the people that I made hold my hand that night. (I'm a hand holder.) Ashley, I'm sorry for repeatedly hugging you and for accidentally fondling your boob in my excitement of seeing Tommy Tutone play "867-5309". To all the others, if I, at any point during the night, grabbed your boob(s), touched your junk, or patted your ass, I am sincerely sorry from the bottom of my heart. I won't promise that I'll never do it again, but I do promise to try not to.

Andrew and Adam have this cute, semi-gay relationship.  Any person around them can really feel and see the love that they have for one another.  On this night, their affection was shown as they lovingly fed each other cake.  No lie, y'all.  Check out the picture.  There was another "couple" that couldn't seem to get enough of each other.  Dancing, touching, hula hooping together.  Chandra, I'd watch out for Casey, I think he's trying to put the moves on your hubby.  Oh, and Heather, you might want to watch out for this little thing.  Looks like she's putting the moves on Adam.  I think she slipped him some tongue.

So as the night progressed, we decided to head to The Stage.  While there, we were lucky enough to hear 867-5309 sung by the original artist, Tommy Tu-Tone.  It was freaking awesome.  He put on a great show and it totally rocked.  This was definitely the highlight of the evening.  The low point of the evening was the asshole who tried to take up 20 feet of space by sticking his ass out and bumping into girls half their size.  Too bad he didn't realize that Allison Kennedy is pretty scrappy for a girl her size.  After about the 200th time this guy rammed himself into Allison, she decided to get medieval on his ass.  Next thing you know, this guy is on the floor staring up at Allison.  Adam and Andrew helped a little by holding him down until the bouncers got a hold of him and kicked him out.  Go Allison!!

So, we danced some more, which was awesome and then it was decided to head back to the house.  Back at Andrew's house there was leftover Luau cake and Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream.  Deeeeeelicious.  There is nothing like cake and ice cream when you have the drunk munchies.  Yum!

Smiling Is A Word That Should Be Used More Often

This is my favorite commercial ever. I love it because it has the word penis in it it always makes me smile. I don't know why, but penis smiling is one of my favorite words. (Well, maybe I do know why.) Also, is he not the cutest little kid ever? I wonder where he is now. Do you think he'll always be known as the kid who said penis was so adorably cute in a Blue Cross Blue Shield commercial? I bet this haunted him his whole life and now the only work he can get are movies and shows that have the word penis call for a cute, funny kid in the script. Man, is he the luckiest person alive, or what. So enjoy the penis cutest commercial ever y'all.

Tennis Hos and Golf Pros

What do tennis, golf, and Betsy's birthday have in common? I know y'all are thinking that I'm going to say balls. And while that is true that there are lots of balls in tennis and golf, as well as Betsy's birthday, that is not what this blog is going to be about.
Although, I could probably write an entire piece on balls and their uses. Hmmm....idea.
So back to the original question. Tennis, golf, and Betsy's birthday all have one thing (besides balls, which I really like saying alot. Balls, balls, balls, balls. Fun.) in common and that is Rules of Etiquette for playing the game. The games of tennis and golf, of course, are much more proper than a Tennis Hos and Golf Pros party and they are probably played by much more civilized people. Smashley and I, however, were in charge of planning this party, so you can only imagine how "civilized" it was. Who am I kidding? Civilized and Smashley don't go together at all.


First of all, I'm going to digress back to Friday for a second. It was decided, on Friday, that Smash and I were going to get wasted on Saturday. The convo went something like this.

Smash: You know, Jen, I don't think I've ever seen you wasted.

Jen: What are you talking about? I get wasted all the time.

Smash: Then how come you can always drive me home at the end of the night? You have so never been wasted.

Jen: Well, what about that time, I drank like 5 martinis and did 4 shots and I had to be carried inside, where I passed out in my bed and woke up with no panties on?

Smash: That wasn't with me. Where did you do that?

Jen: Do what? I don't know what you're talking about.

Smash: Whatever. I want you to get wasted.

Jen: Fine. I promise to get wasted next time we go out.

Smash: That's tomorrow night.

Jen: Oh.... Fine, I'll get wasted tomorrow night. Will you take care of me if I puke?

Smash: No. You'll have to take care of yourself. Puking makes me want to puke.

No shit, y'all. This is the actual conversation that took place. Anyway, it was obviously decided that I would get wasted at Betsy's party. Then word got back to sweet, innocent Sarah. And much to my surprise she said this. "Why don't all three of us get wasted?" And so it was on.

Saturday arrives. I'll skip over all the boring, albeit lovely parts of the day, like our massages at Escape Day Spa, (it was heaven) and get to the party time and back to the rules of etiquette.

Rule #1) Maintain a good pace. Always play without delay at all times. In party speak this means don't be a sissy when drinking your drinks. Drink them fast and hard to maintain maximum speed of play. Don't dilly dally with your shots. Shoot them quick or make way for someone else to shoot them. Betsy (the birthday girl) played by this rule like the pro that she is. Also, no passing out. Puke and rally like a champ. Betsy also played by this rule like the player she is.

Rule #2) Keep it safe. This basically means don't swing your clubs around too much and don't hit your balls in the direction of other people. This means you, random guy that came home with us at the end of the night. An invitation to let you crash at our house is not an invitation to constantly, all night attempt to get one of us naked and make us play golf with your little club. Really. Keep it in your pants, dude.


Rule #3) Be kind to the course. There are really so many ways to go with this. Does it mean, be kind to your body, be kind to the location where the party is by not trashing it. Who knows and now my brain hurts from trying to think of something funny to finish this blog out. Ahhhhhh, the pressure.

So in summary, parties with balls are fun as long as you don't get hit in the face with them.

Peace y'all.

I Want a Hot, Half Naked Man in My Commercial

I watch a lot of TV and because of my current lack of DVR, I've been seeing a lot of commercials. Here's something I've been noticing. Why do all of the commercials that feature a couple, always have a smokin' hot wife/girlfriend and an average, with a beer gut husband/boyfriend?

WTF commercial people. Hello? Where are the commercials with the smokin' hot husband/boyfriend and the average, with a little junk in their trunk wife/girlfriend. Are you saying that I will forever have to run my ass on the treadmill and all I get for it is some guy who looks like he could eat icecream off his belly while sitting in his barcalounger. Because that shit just isn't going to fly, y'all.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't date a guy like that or even that a Victoria's Secret model wouldn't date a guy like that. I'm not even saying that there is anything wrong with guys like that. All I'm saying is that lets give the ladies some love on the commercials and even on TV and in movies. I really wouldn't mind, just for once, seeing, I don't know let's say, Kirby Atwood (see hottie below) with an average leading lady that looks more like me than Bar Rafaeli.

See, we look good together. Am I right, ladies?

Flirxting

I'm a big flirt. I will flirt with anyone that I find remotely attractive. I love it. There is nothing better than the little thrill you get when you flirt with someone and they flirt back. And now with text messaging, my flirting has been taken to a whole new level. There is now flirxting! I think, in this day and age, that each and every one of us have, at some point, done some flirxting. Most of the time this is harmless and good for a little thrill. I don't think you'll be permanently scarred from a bout of flirxting with the hot guy you picked up at the bar last night when you were wasted off of 5 shots of tequila. (Not that I've ever done that. I was just using it as an example.) Anyway, there is nothing wrong with it and it can even be fun. Just don't expect it to turn into anything too serious.

I was talking to a friend, today, about flirxting and in explaining it to him, I was reminded of this hilarious video that I received on Facebook once. (btw what did we ever do without computers, cell phones, and Facebook?) Anyway, the video is hilarious. Check it out. And please don't try to deny that you and your friends have ever done this. I know you have. I mean, I've been there, done that, more than once and probably will again. I hope you enjoy. Have a Happy Weekend and be sure to practice your flirxting skills.